I no longer want to wait outside your door.

The dreams, once so beautiful, are thoughts that I now abhor.

A little tear trickled down her porcelain face.
The freckles showed you just how shattered she was.
You just wouldn’t open the door.

Some days I hear you shuffle behind the wooden pane.
Those days I lean forward
For I have faith that you will turn the knob and let her in
Before she crumbles and fades away.

But,

You are too heartless,
I thought you were kind.
I saw the innocence brimming in your eyes,
But never once thought you capable of watching her die.

Today, I sit at the stairway again.
Waiting for you to open the door where she laid.
She lay on the doorway, fragile and weak.
Her hair grew white,
Each breath she took she faded away.

You ignored her, you denied her.

I walk away now. Mayhaps your guilt kills you inside.

For the oblivious ones, I'm SHIFTED.

I'll be shifting soon. Blog address that is. Going over to wordpress I guess and see if things would work out. I'll shift when all the decorations are done. Right now though, I just don't really feel like being on the computer much.

I have been procrastinating on finding jobs and internships. I started off like a fire and died off like a sparkle. I simply do not want to rush from one hell hole to another. Know what? I haven't had time to myself in FOUR months and finally there's no school, I'm no longer working at the airport. The money I earn from tuition is sufficient to keep me alive if I do not become to spendthrift. Know what? I am even beginning to believe that I may actually be able to start saving for once given that I am home all the time. I enjoy being at home. The MOTHER is as noisy as ever and I fought with her like mad yesterday but I do enjoy the quiet time of spending home and just reading my book with no one to disturb me. One fears loneliness but one adores solitude. I guess when solitude becomes too oppressive, that's when one would wish to escape from loneliness. I have been doing so many things all these months that right now, I am going to fully utilise this ME time for myself. I don't know how to tell my parents yet but I think I will not be working till GP is done. Then, I'll go get a job.

You know what? I think I actually enjoy teaching. The more I teach, the more I relish it. What if my parents are right right from the start? Maybe I should do teaching as a career and take it up as a profession. Nah, okay, here's what I'll do. If I get married young, I'll consider being a teacher or doing tuition full time. Otherwise, I shall just follow my American dream and head towards where my heart takes me too and fuck the consequences.

I caught Marley and Me and it was super touching. Somebody cried like shit, oh and that person is not me. However, I have vowed not to mention the Somebody in my blog anymore to spite the Somebody. Thus, the Somebody shall never be mentioned again. Not for a long time anyway.

You know something? It is never possible to escape from the crutches of the past unless you totally remove yourself from the settings and surroundings and place yourself in a place where no one else knows you and change your name and where you are from. Right now, I am having the worst week yet out of this entire year. I have no idea how I am going to brave through it but I will. I am strong.... right?